You’re so lucky
your dad’s dead. You’re telling me. You guys, I didn’t know
my food came with fries. I am not eating them. I have had fries
like three times this week. I’m so bad. You can afford it. No.
Who cares? I ate like, three cans
of Pringles yesterday. Once you pop,
they’re not joking. I’m so bad. Those are like air. They’re literally air. You don’t look fat at all. No, I was cyberbullying my niece
on Instagram the other day, and I literally
ate 15 mini muffins. I’m so bad. They’re like pellets,
that’s nothing. Are they big muffins? No.
No, they’re mini. Do you know what
“mini” means? It means smaller than big. Yesterday,
after I knelt on my gerbil to hear what sound
it would make, I like, wasn’t thinking. I ate a ball of mozzarella
like it was a peach. I’m so bad. You always look great. No, I think that’s, like,
negative calories. I’m seriously bad. I can’t get out of bed
without having a calzone. The other morning, when that woman walked off
the GW bridge, I didn’t do
anything to help her. It’s because I was
chewing my calzone. I’m so bad. Are you serious? You’re a (bleep) saint. I’m the bad one. Two weeks ago
when I was having– Well, there’s no term for how late term
of an abortion this was. Anyhoo, I literally ate
an entire bucket of wings and chased it with
a 16-ounce lobster. I’m like, why am I
still eating for two? I’m so bad. Wait, I’m really ashamed I just told you guys
that I ate like that. Do you think I’m a monster? No!
No! Seafood, it’s good for you. Yeah. I’m sorry about
your abortion. I took that guy that
I’m dating to the restaurant where he was molested
and he left crying and guess who stayed and ate the entire rest
of his birthday cake? Me. I was like, that’ll do, pig. Oink, oink.
I’m so bad. You’re not bad. You’re stick thin. Your thigh gap is, like,
the envy of every thigh gap. Last Saturday, after I took
a smoke machine to the burn unit to see how they’d react, I ate so much General Tso’s
they gave me his hat. It looks insane on me. I’m so bad. Shut your dick off. You look amazing in hats
and you know this. My dad says I don’t
look good in anything. Can I offer anyone dessert? Oh. If I– Like, just one bite? Would you– Share something? Four forks? (all screaming) (cries out) My face! I’m so bad!
I’m so bad! I’m so–
I’m so bad. I’ll have the flan.