It’s been called soggy straw. It’s been called shredded
particleboard with sauce. It’s been called nasty wet cabbage
spaghetti that nobody wants. And the people who call it these things
have themselves been called severely misguided, unevolved,
and not my friends. ♪ YOU SUCK AT COOKING,
YEAH YOU TOTALLY SUCK ♪ But don’t look down on people
who feel this way. Many people have had BCE
resulting in RCT, and this is one of the main culprits. It looks like it’s been through
a wood chipper. and it tastes like being
punched in the mouth with a fistful of peppercorns
wrapped in sandpaper. Its as if somebody set out to make a dish
that embodied the word “abrasive”, and they succeeded beyond
their wildest dreams. Here’s another culprit: Overly dressed, overly creamy,
overly sweet and overly warm. And sometimes made with something that
may or may not rhyme with spherical blip. It’s a miracle that anyone could
actually swallow this stuff. It’s because of these
horrible creations that I have to call regular
coleslaw “bangin’ “, just to counteract years of
overwhelming negativity. But there’s another reason some people don’t like coleslaw and it’s actually physiological. The taste receptors on
the tongue of a coleslaw hater are often attached to a person
who is not living their best life. In other words, coleslaw love is self love. Come to coleslaw with an open mind,
an open heart, and an open mouth. It’s important to remember that cabbage is not lettuce. Cabbage is a cruciferous vegetable, while lettuce is 95 percent air. Unlike other kcruciferous vegetables
such as kale, (smash) YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL! cabbage doesn’t need to be humbled, since
many people already look down on it. You want to lift up its spirits a bit
before you eat it. (sensually) Don’t you worry,
I love you very very much. Lettuce is weak and flimsy, whereas cabbage is strong and hearty.
(cabbage slaps) You can’t make a handbag with lettuce, or a pair of waterproof shoes
to wear in the shower at the gym, or a pair of really cool leather pants. (motorbike engine noises) Cabbage also has great acoustics,
(slaps cabbage) while lettuce sounds super boring.
(slaps lettuce) That right there is the sound
of the heartiness you deserve. What I’m getting at here is, cabbage
is strong and this is why we chop it. Also because cutting lettuce-shaped leaves
out of cabbage is time-consuming and stupid. For Bangin’ Coleslaw number one, I’m making a simple creamy coleslaw. For this coleslaw I’m gonna use green cabbage, also known as sickly-pale-almost-white cabbage, also known as literally a bowling ball. (crash) And Napa cabbage, also known as Chinese Cabbage, also known as basically lettuce, which I’ll pair with the Napa wine. But since grape juice is for children,
I’m actually drinking Agave juice, which is for grown-ups. (slurps) Another way that coleslaw is bangin’ is you sometimes have to bang
the cabbage to get the knife through. (whispers) If you don’t know what you’re doing like me. I’m gonna make a perfectly
symmetrical cut here and then thinly slice it. i’m not shredding it, because that’s
how you get wet, cabbagey, slop. See exhibit number one. I’m gonna use around seven cups total between the two cabbagi. Half cup mayo, tablespoon of lime, a f*ck ton of pepper pepper pepper and a pinch of salt. I’m gonna wangjangle that dressing together, then we’ll pour that on to the cabbage. This coleslaw can be served at a range
of temperatures, between cold and definitely not warm in the slightest. For Bangin’ Coleslaw number two,
take a grotesquely large carrot. Size shame it.
“You’re disgusting!” Shave off all the healthy minerals, then reduce it from a big strong carrot into soft little carrot fluff. Take two cups of that, a couple cups of the green cabbage, and a couple of cups of the purple stuff. (in trippy voice) Whoa, that’s amazing. It’s like we’re in an airplane, flying over a topographical map
and understanding life, man. (sped-up chopping sounds) (thows cabbage into a bowl) Third cup of olive oil, third cup of cider vinegar, third cup of Dijon or whole grain Dijon, pinch of salt, and a bunch of
pepper pepper pepper. Add more or less cabbage
according to how saucy you want it, and always add salt to taste. Do my eyes deceive me, or is this an edible, three-dimensional Jackson Pollock I see before me? For Bangin’ Coleslaw number three,
we have a mayo free, creamy slaw, that’s all about the sweet tart intersection. Half cup of Greek Yogurt, one tablespoon of lime, one teaspoon of honey and a pinch of salt. We’re gonna take around six cups of assorted cabbage.
(sped-up chopping sounds) Slice a green apple so that
it looks like cabbage so that no one takes a selfish scoop
with extra apple. We’ll take precisely one third cup of
dried cranberries, chop them up. Don’t forget to test out that
apple dipping sauce. Mmm! Now it doesn’t look like this dressing
is gonna go the distance. This is where your fortitude comes in, to recognize that your dressing
isn’t gonna go the distance so you’re gonna need to double it up. Now feel free to add more lime and salt to taste. The final aspect to making a bangin’ coleslaw is to bang on the side of your slaw vessel
to acoustically tenderize the cabbage. Non-acoustically tenderized cabbage just tastes boring and rhythm-less. So make sure you don’t skip this step. (to music and beat)
♪ If you don’t like coleslaw. ♪ ♪ then I feel bad for you. ♪ ♪ I hope one day you figure it out, ♪ ♪ ’cause it means that you’ve got issues! ♪ (fork falls onto counter) Mmm Mmm! This video is sponsored by Hello Fresh, who wants to help you totally smash your
2019 delicious home-cooked meal goals, like a cabbage bowling ball with nothing to lose. (loud crash) Pre measured ingredients and easy-to-follow six-step recipe cards get delivered right to your door every week. You can pick from classic veggie, or family, and switch it up whenever you feel like it. Every time I get a box, I learn new stuff, like these calzon-aes,
also known as calzones. I’ve never made them before, so
I love having a reason to try new stuff. HelloFresh is now from $6.99 per serving, and it’s America’s number-one meal kit, which, last I checked, is an alright number. So if you want to take advantage of
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